The Godfather
by wynnebat
Summary: Harry learns he shouldn't celebrate the birth of his son by drinking to the point of making terrible decisions. Featuring ghost!Snape and drunk!Harry&Ron.


Written for the Alice in Wonderland Competition on the HPFC forums.

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"I," Harry announced, holding a bottle of firewhiskey up, "have a _son_." He swayed a little from side to side, finding it hard to sit on a stool and hold his liquor up at the same time.

Beside him, his best friend Ron was having the same problem, except he was trying to talk and drink at the same time.

"I shnow—" Ron took a big gulp of firewhiskey, deciding it was a better formula to talk _after_ drinking. Then he blinked rapidly, as if remembering something important. "Wait… you have _two_ sons!"

Harry nodded, wrapping an arm around Ron's shoulders to keep himself upright. "It's 'cause I'm the essence of fertility!"

Ron clapped him on the back. "You're a Weasley, mate, 'ts natural. But geddoff that other guy, 'cause he's looking at us funny."

Harry looked to his right, where his arm had somehow ended up around the guy sitting on the bar next to him. "Sorry. Minny—Ginny, I meant—says Imma grabby drunk." He patted the guy's leg in apology. The stranger promptly left.

Harry looked at the empty spot next to him. "Ron, that guy, he just _disappeared_!" he said, loudly whispering the last word. "It's like magic!"

"M'arry, we're in a magic bar," Ron explained. "See, there's Hannah. She has a funny name. Spelled backwards."

Harry nodded sagely. "Or is it spelled forwards?"

They thought about it for a long moment, until they couldn't quite remember what the barmaid's name was.

"Names are weird," Ron decided. "Like you-know-who's."

"Tom's not a weird name… Isn't the barman's name Tom? But the barman isn't a man… Is she still named Tom?"

"No, she's _Hannah_, from school. I think. Don't remember her. I meant your kid's. 'xcept 'Mione told me to stop talking about it, so I'm ining-directly talking 'bout it."

"About what?"

"I dunno."

"Talking… about Albus! 'Cause we were looking for a godfather, and Neville and Dean and you and George already have godkids! What am I going to dooo? Ginny'll kill me if I don't find one."

"A godfather," Ron confirmed. "But... isn't Snape his god— god— ... other father? You don't need to find one 'cause he already has one!"

"Yeah," Harry agreed, nodding eagerly. "Snape can be his—" he hiccupped "—godfather."

"Tom!" Ron yelled. "We need more drinks! Our mate Snape's a godfather!"

"I think it's time for me to Floo your wives," Hannah said, glaring at the both of them. "Otherwise I might just throw you out for calling me a man."

They both apologized, but the man-lady wouldn't let them stay, and soon Harry was at home and falling in bed next to Ginny. The time between his last drink and his pillow was blank in his memory, and his decision was a hazy memory.

Unfortunately, the next morning, it was clear as day that his drunken ramblings had some effect.

"Snape?" Harry gasped as he stumbled downstairs in search of a hangover cure. The man sitting at the breakfast table was a see-through replica of Severus Snape, down to the overly large nose and many-buttoned robes. "You're a ghost?"

Snape seemed to scowl even deeper at that. "Not by choice, Potter. Do you have any idea of what you did last night? Because of your inane drivel, I was forced to be your bloody son's godfather!"

"Don't care, find a way to go back to heaven or wherever," Harry retorted, downing a hangover potion and slumping into the chair across from Snape. "And keep your voice down. Albus is still sleeping."

Snape snorted. "You named your son Albus?"

"What's wrong with the name? All I hear from Ron about it is, how could you name your son after both Dumbledore and that git? I swear, Albus Severus Potter is a fine name!"

Snape was speechless for a few moments before saying, "You named your son after me. How very sweet, Potter. Do you expect me to thank you, or should I just—"

"I have an excellent idea: let's change the subject instead! And you can tell me how to get you out of my house!"

"And your opinion means what to me, exactly? Do you understand me when I say I am stuck here for the next seventeen worthless years of your son's life?"

"Then why don't you just leave? Spend two decades in Jamaica, or something?"

"And deny you the repercussions of your imbecilic actions, Potter? Never."

Harry was about to throw something at the git, just for the pleasure of seeing it fly through his body, when Ginny came downstairs holding the subject of the conversation. She stopped at the end of the stairwell.

"Professor Snape…" she began, trying to wrap her mind around the image of the man in her kitchen.

"Well, let me see the child," Snape ordered, sighing.

Ginny looked at him warily before carrying Albus closer to Snape.

"Hmmm," Snape said thoughtfully. "I suppose he isn't a terrible child. Little Severus will become a Potions Master just like Uncle Severus, won't he…" Snape cooed, patting the air above Albus Severus' head.

Harry just slammed his head on the kitchen table in misery, muttering, "Kill me now…"

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"I have an excellent idea: let's change the subject!" is a quote from Alice in Wonderland.


End file.
